Gypsy Hymn

one year later

2010-05-06T01:48:00.005-04:00

I think I may start blogging again. Writing fluidly and with honesty is like a learned language, and unless practiced, one quickly forgets. It’s been a year since i've done this. The words will come back in not too long a time, I hope. You’ll be able to recognize me, and my tone again.

So, here I am. laying in our bath tub, listening to this music, and reconsidering things. Bath tub? Yes, the one spot I find perfect wi-fi in our house. It’s actually quite tranquil, sitting, typing in this oversized tub.

I've been in Portland, Oregon, officially, for just over a year

now. I've accumulated a few more material treasures since moving cross country -- the ones of most value to me now, are the musical ones. I came with a suitcase of clothes, and a few instruments from New York (true immigrant style, might I point out). Now I have a violin, some drums, a glockenspiel I nervously played in front of 20,000 people, my electric guitar, a secret musical room of my own, and in our living room-a lovely piano in tune with the plumbing of the house. With all this, i've written about 5 songs, that I can sing for people, and that feels mighty good.

I feel more brave this year than I have in a long time. Brave because I remain true to myself. Brave because I feel like a woman now, and no longer a child. Brave because I've walked away and forgiven some difficult things; brave because I’m facing myself. Brave, because I’m not afraid to admit that I’m having the time of my life, but also going through some of the hardest days-as I look deep into my Memory Box, and heal the brokenness (props to therapy, and an amazing community of friends and family on the far east coast for that one).

Anyway, this bathtub is starting to get a bit uncomfortable, and I've listened to his song about 5 times in a row now, and it’s hard to be vulnerable for my readers at this point. It will come easier the more I write... with time, dear friends, with time. Thanks for reading. More to come.

PS: My hair is considerably longer since I last wrote. And I think I’ve earned my first wrinkle since then, too. Sweetly, and generously it’s a laugh line...

Ukrainian Doom!

2009-07-22T16:41:00.005-04:00

Doom Metal in Ukraine? Big surprise to me.

I had heard a few rumors, but didn't believe it. What I remember of Ukraine is storks on chimneys, summer kitchens, mushroom picking, and folk songs. I knew my dad to be a secret AC/DC fan, but I never imagined we'd have our own stuff. This type of music would be considered "sataneenska" (satanic) music by my grandmother, and I always considered Satanism to be a luxury of the West! So, Yes, I am surprised AND impressed (and laughing a little).

Turns out Doom/Death Metal bands are taken pretty seriously in my motherland. I came across a little tribute video, when a Doom Metal recording studio friended me on my music page. Behold the list:

A co-ed Ukrainian band, known as Polynove Pole (The Wormwood Field) even played with fancy Swedish Doom Metal band Lake of Tears! Here's one of Polynove Pole doing an "unplugged" set. Where the hell did they get rain sticks? Come on. Really?

It's news to me... and now I have a lot of catching up to do...At least I wear black 95% of the time.

the GOOD news is Folk Metal aka Melodeath aka Viking Metal. Now this is stuff I can appreciate. here's a run down of the top ten.

enjoy!

PORTLAND BLISS

2009-03-27T16:38:00.002-04:00

living in portland! blog on temporary hiatus on account of limited internet access and my limited interest in the internet. do that makes a sense?

like is really grand and treating me all too well.

i'm feeling really freaking blessed.

if man is 5, then the devil is 6, and God is 7!

2009-02-26T03:09:00.005-05:00

Does anyone else stay up later than you want to just because you're watching back to back videos of The Pixies? Come on.

Tonight was my last DJ night @ Bug Jar. I think my favorite times in this city are the times where a handful of people you know and love are dancing together, and singing out loud to everything from "oh, yoko" to "oh, you're so silent, Jens". It's a beautiful and big feeling, and we feel so young and invincible and meaningful... if only one song at a time. John and I have been playing songs for our friends e-v-e-r-y Wednesday since last summer. I played that Greenday song tonight like I promised (myself) and Annie said she hated it. But thats OK, cause I played Bruce and she loved that.

SKIFFLE

2009-02-23T01:09:00.002-05:00

there is so much to learn. there is so much music that i don't even know about. for example, skiffle: a type of folk music with jass, blues, and country influences. Lonnie Donegon known as the King of Skiffle:

And some more unknown-to-me-until-right-now: check out the "Vernon Girls" on the show "Oh Boy!". i like the one with the eye patch!

Portland Pilgrimage less than a week away, I leave Saturday! And can I just say I'm pretty disappointed that Slumdog Millionaire won best picture... thats right, I didn't love it, in fact, I hardly liked it!

blessings are coming

2009-02-21T03:01:00.002-05:00

do you ever have moments in life that are so intensely wonderful and joyous and hopeful that you just say to yourself "is this my real life?!"

one week from today i'll be in Portland, Oregon. living a new life. new joys, new sorrows (hopefully limited to one a month), new blessings, new knowledge, new NEWNESS, things i can't even imagine. so much freaking delicious goodness is on its way that i can't even know what it is right now... i just know it's on its way into my life.

and i need my heart to stretch in preparation. because it's hard to accept good things... it's easier to accept the bad. and that sucks, thats terrible that we humans do that. so i'm going to get some buffet pants for my heart and with every beat that says "i am I AM I AM... ALIVE ALIVE ALIVe.. I LIVE I LIVE I LIVE I LOVE I LOVE I LOVE" i'll stretch my heart and make room for more and more goodness.

welcome to the world, on this day Baby Jack Saffer. Born to my dearest Mellissa and Ben.

the moments of "is this my amazing life?" are bountiful, welcome to the world baby Jack, welcome!

3 conditions

2009-02-15T02:04:00.009-05:00

How I spent Valentines day, after 12 hours of work:

Put on my new silk dress. it's freezing out, but i wanted to look nice.

We drank some drinks that looked the color of purple pop-ice and tasted like vodka, and we all danced a little in the living room. I played piano alone in the side room (tried to play neutral milk hotel, and bruce, and the andrews sisters, and a little ditty i wrote). I want to get a piano wherever I live next.

Then when I felt brave, I played a game.. but he didn't play along. There were conditions, and he didnt follow... as a result he walked home without his coat, his shoes, or his hat.

I can be stubborn, too, y' know.

...After all, I put on a nice dress and perfume... and I sang every Elvis song on the record player tonight.

Still...I think some things are worth waiting for. And I'm glad I don't get what I want most of the time.

Because for every morsel I give up and sacrifice and suffer and feel disappointed, in the end I'll get what I've waited for and I'll be wiser. I'll enjoy it more and say "I deserve this". I believe in the virtue of a pure heart. I believe disappointment has to happen before satisfaction.

I am both frustrated and simply delighted right now.

Hope everyone had a lovely, or at least ridiculous Valentines Day!

well i feel just like a child

2009-02-11T14:14:00.005-05:00

I'm not so sure i want to be a normal functioning member of society.

...not too sure what that means, but i've been thinking about that for a long time. Can you help me understand these feelings and ideas?

i know i want to do things like "reduce my carbon footprint" and "buy local"... but i feel like there are more things I can be strict about, maybe strict is the wrong word-- more things I can be intentional about.

As far as work is concerned, I don't really want to do anything that I don't see/experience the fruits of. Maybe thats where hand-made or general labor can come in to play... paperwork and retail are so dead to me. dead end.

I want my work to be a part of how I survive... like in the old days, people gardened for their own food, people painted the fences of their own houses. I want the labor I put in to have a purpose beyond a paycheck.

I hope to find more language for this idea and feeling in me.

Of course I'm not so dogheaded (pun from last post!) that I will resist a job if I really need to earn a living... but I want to marry knowledge/purpose with a modern job.

Modern jobs kill morale and numb the human spirit... few people are aware that there are better opportunities where your mind, your opinion, your skills DO matter!

Or simply, something you can find pleasure in. And for me, pleasure/satisfaction comes from seeing the outcome and purpose. Mushroom Hunting won't give me money or even much of a meal, but I'd like to do that... and touring this year with Gramophone Family I really want to do that more than anything... I need to accept that family and society are going to label me as "lazy" because I treat a job as a way to make money/pay for basic survival, and that I prefer to work for someone else as little as possible. But hey, if you give me a purpose I believe in, I will be devoted and as strong as a work horse.

It just doesn't make sense to me, that a boss can earn triple of the benefits of my own labor. I want to reap what I sow... not reap 5% of what I sow, or even 70%. Is this the proletariat coming out in me?

I've been watching a documentary about the Carthusian Monks and listening to Devendra Banhart... so I think the general atmosphere in Apartment 3 has a strong bias on this topic.

Purpose and Passion. Thats what I want. And I don't see how that happens in society, in "careerism" in a genuine way. I just don't see it.

Some ones Dad in some movie said "find a job where you can get paid for being you"...

The only boss I work for is Springsteen. And does this sort of attitude affect how often I do my laundry, it most certainly does.

Dog-Headed Cannibal

2009-02-10T14:46:00.005-05:00

Someone dropped a St. Christopher medallion in the tip jar today.

St. Christopher is the patron saint of travelers... the back has an inscription saying "Then go your way in safety".

It's a lovely little medallion from France, and I took it to mean great big things as I prepare for my next big journey out West.

Legend has it that St. Christopher helped carry people across a river, because of his great big size (12 foot tall Cannanite). One day he was carrying a little child, and the child all of a sudden became so heavy that both almost drowned. When St. Chris says, "Ok, woa, you were totally heavy back there. Whats up?" The child says, "You not only carried me, but you carried the weight of the world...I'm the creator of it!" and the baby disappeared. Neat story.

I'm wearing it now, on my precious heart and key necklace (which also has mystical beauty meaning to me)...

I mean, can you believe it? What timing..! Definitely worth more to me than the tips I earned today.

(PUN VERY MUCH INTENDED. AND I'M NOT SORRY FOR IT)

2009-02-06T21:04:00.004-05:00

You know what? I'm not going to apologize for puns anymore.
Why do people apologize for them anyway?

Michael said, "because it's considered low brow humor"... so puns are un-smart? On the contrary! I think you have to be pretty clever to use a pun, and you have to be pretty quick to pick up on a pun. I think you're un-smart if you MISS a pun., and I'll go so far as to say you're foolish if you miss a pun opportunity.

This all came about at the museum shop tonight. I was talking to one of the museum members about the new David Yurman eye wear collection (she had some nice specks on, and she liked the ones I wear). At the end of the chat she says, "his new eyeglasses are coming out this month...let's hope they're good... I guess we'll have to SEE...I apologize for the pun!"

I could've said, " I forgive you, because that's an accidental pun"... no work involved in that one. But I smiled and waved instead... and got to thinking.

I realize I always apologize for puns, or point them out in an apologetic way... usually involving parenthesis and some kind of explanation. ie (no pun intended), (pun intended).

I can't even come up with a pun to put in this post-- that's how UN-un-smart puns are!

On another note, working at a museum during a gallery opening is great. Tonight is First Friday in lovely Rochester... which means champagne (not while I work. bummer) and baklava and cubed cheese... And after my shift is done here, I'll get to hop around a few local galleries and maybe I'll use some puns. And I won't be sorry for it.

snip snip

2009-02-04T10:44:00.005-05:00

the pets are both at the animal hospital today, getting fixed... i'm trying not to be a nervous nancy, so i'm watching funny kid/animal videos. some of the faves i've happened upon this morning:

"kick his ask"

"evil look"

"WAFFLES!!" what a great puppy name, "wuh-fulls"

Oh man, I seriously love my pets.

Freddy Mercury (aka Frederico) sitting on some records

and Pushkin staying warm at Knitting Brigade the other night... I made that neck cozy for me, but it keeps him cozy, too :)

family is so great

2009-01-29T17:47:00.000-05:00

This is my little brother, James. And my little sister, Jessica. James is one of the coolest people I know and Jessica is one of the happiest. James is super mellow, in fact, when he was a baby I used to wonder if everything was OK with him... because he'd wake up and just hang out in his crib instead of crying and being a big baby. Jessica has been rowdy from day one, and harasses James in the funniest way. I was feeling down one day and needed a lifter, so I went to my dads house and visited the little babes, and this video happened at the dinner table.

I added sound effects because it makes me laugh even harder.

Mom is bringing me Matzo Ball soup to break my fast tonight. Family is so great. FAMILY IS SO GREAT!

ps: Erin and I saw Zodiac (directors cut, almost 3 hours, yikes) at The Dryden last night. I had a cup of coffee at night and the movie freaked me out hard, so I didn't go to bed until 6 a.m today... and thats when I made the video. Thanks Zodiac!

the singing none

2009-01-23T17:04:00.005-05:00

it's been a long time since i recorded something and put it up to share... but things are happening in me, and outside of me, and all around this world... so i wrote something called "the singing none" (cross reference to my spirit record, The Singing Nun).

I haven't recorded and shared music in about 2 years... friends kept encouraging me, and asking me to do it... but I couldn't/didn't. So I'm pretty stoked to be in this creative process again. I'm going to take it to Portland and do it for serious... not sure what that looks like, but I'll just stop being embarrassed and take my own advice: BE BRAVE.

www. myspace. com/girlsdoingembroidery

"the family is bound by transient transcendent spirit glow worm silk chords"- johnny lamb

The Gramophone Family (a collective started in Brooklyn) is alive and well and active. I spoke with Johnny (Lapka ee Ovechka, Foxy Was a Night Owl) last night, he's writing and recording... and when I move to Portland we might all go and do a tour together. The Green Typewriters (Jared and Gioja are excited to do something together this summer, too). Johnny told me a story about how some stranger recognized him from a recording we did of the song "Little Birds" by Jeff Mangum... it's wild to think that people are listening to the music we make, and they are sharing it and spreading it to their friends. WILD.The Singing None

All my nervous words could not express
the giant universe
that I feel in my chest

Welling up in me
and blowing out
I ask, Lord Jesus Christ
“Give me courage to Love”

Is there something missing?
Won’t you make me whole?
I want to love you
With all the Madness
In my Soul

----recorded thursday january 22nd 2009
instruments used: acoustic guitar (7 years old, never changed strings)
glockenspiel
hand drum from Pakistan

excuse me, but it seems there is a giant universe in my chest!

the structure of the song is meant to mimic my daily mind/heart rhythms. the lyrics are two-fold in meaning. there is also a secret incantation towards the end, see if you can hear it!

ok, and this Bulgarian Folk Record is blowing my mind. I want to get this one, next.

Portland, Oregon. The Next Chapter.

2009-01-15T23:22:00.006-05:00

"gotta go"
Things People in Portland Say:

1. "Rad"

2. "Stoked"

3. "You should move here"

I'm moving to Portland, Oregon.

I'm joining The Bridge Community.

Wait, didn't Olga recently say "I hate the West Coast, I'd never move there"... ? Yes I totally did; funny how that goes. So, how can I explain it... hmmm.... "It's a pilgrimage"... "A calling"... "Something I know I have to do next"... "I have no choice, it's as clear as daylight that I have to go".

My year of solitude is over, it's time for community. I miss this girl and want her in my daily life again. I've desired community and community style

living since I first heard of it in NYC. This is finally happening.

I wrote this litany while at the airport in Chicago, on my way back to Rochester. It's a rather personal confession, but I'm not scared to share it:

Confession, Enter Community (re: PDX)

i am living a life of solitude, and guarded isolation

I must go to community

i am living a life of petty hopes

I must go to community

i am living a life of needs unmet

I must go to community

i am living a life of vanity and shallowness

I must go to community

I am living a life in need of discipline

I must go to community

i am living a life of loneliness in a crowd of friends

I must go to community

i am living a life of destructive, unchecked thoughts

I must go to community

i am living the life of an unhealthy American consumer

I must go to community

i am living a life of financial conflict and monetary slavery

I must go to community

God I desire Accountability

Bring me to community

God I desire freedom from myself and from this land*

Bring me to community

God I desire complete abandon in You

Bring me to community

God I desire deconstruction and construction one million and ten times over, if only to be closer to you. I desire to change five hundred thousands times, if only to be the same as You.

Bring me to community

Your Mercy. Your immutable Nature. Your Grace. Your Promise. Salvation. Love beyond human understanding:

I find these in community.

Amen. Amen. And Allelujah.

*Chicago, S.Stevens

-------------------------

I'm selling/giving away my things. Weeping a little. Happy a lottle. This was really unexpected. This is very exciting. It's a pretty big step for me in my comfortable living situation, but I am eager to go in Faith. Faith and I have had a rocky road ... tonight, Michael asked "So, are you estranged from the Church? Or excommunicated?" the answer, "both".

I'm ready now. Ready to pursue Christianity with Creativity. In an email earlier today, I told Tiffany, "I don't know what I'm doing exactly, but I'm going to do it anyway"

Rochester, you have been so good to me this past (exact) year. Healing above all. I thank you 721 times. You'll always be my American home, and we'll see each other, we'll dance into each other unexpectedly... life is full of wonder and surprises and adventure, isn't it?? it is. it is! it is! oh! "how strange it is to be anything at all!"

Off I go, singing my Gypsy Hymns...

estimated departure: march 1st, 2009

PDX, I tried to do hand stands for you

2009-01-11T01:50:00.004-05:00

I'm in Portland, Oregon for this lady's birthday.

My kindred spirit, my soul sister.

My Shadow told me in a Dream about this song, and we've been dancing to it, and singing it, and feeling it, and living it.

How can life be so magical and surreal and anything at all?

How can we feel such Cathedral Highs and Mermaid Lows?

Oh, how can we love other people so much and with such ease?

It's all a miracle to me.

Cross Country, We Celebrate and We Love Each Other.

a lady AND a scholar

2009-01-06T10:14:00.003-05:00

my best friend of 13 years left rochester today. mellissa, her husband, her daughter, and her soon to be born baby boy had their butts kicked by the economy and a string of bad luck. they moved back to rochester less than a year ago, after getting married in ohio (where her family now lives).

mellissa and i met in middle school, as the two new transfers. we spent summers together, slept over each others houses night after night, dated boys together, went through some of the hardest and best times together. we've watched each other grow to be women. today mellissa also turned 25. she's one hell of a lady.

we went for coffee and a donut before she took off this morning. i cried, it's not the first time we've said good-bye but it's hard every time. we WILL live in the same city again. we will. "i'll find me a good man, and we'll move to ____________ together", "you better". i will.

as we began to say our good-byes by her car, she bounced baby Penelope in the air, they both smiled and kissed, the bright sun lit them up and time stopped for me, for just a moment, a mental photograph i'll never forget. and memories of this past year came back... sitting on the front porch in the summer, our walks, reading forbidden journals, eating huge slices of pizza, dancing beautiful dances for a film, laughing 90% of the time we're together, and watching Penny grow into a wondrous little girl. it's been a hard year, but it's been fun. with everything going on in our independent lives, we were a 4 minute walk from each other, we were neighbors for a brief time... but it happened, and it'll happen again.

life will hand us lemonade, mellissa. it will. i know it.

i love you, i'll miss you, i'll visit. i pray now a prayer of ease for you and your family, "God, bless her with a break, just let life cut her a break. A stress free, comfortable time... for as long as you see fit. If anyone deserves it, it's her. Bless the Saffers with ease. Calm the waters and let them have milk and honey. Amen."

I hope you win the lottery.

woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head

2009-01-05T01:39:00.003-05:00

i dreamt of heaven. i woke up, knowing it was heaven i dreamt of.

we were all in a big studio room. dressed in our finest. everyone looked so beautiful, so classy. as if we were in new bodies, but we were in our own bodies; they were our perfect beautiful bodies and we looked the same as now, just better. we stood together for a big photo, so happy, holding hands. there were mirrors here and there, and i would get a glance of the reflection and think "wow we are all so beautiful. i am so beautiful. so much beauty!" we were perfect creations standing together.

the photo was taken CLICK and we take of... RUNNING! we all hold hands and run, run, run towards mirrors. the mirrors seem to reflect what is behind us but we run straight towards them... and the secret is revealed to me "if you hold hands, if you go together, you can go through this mirror into another place". so together, we hold hands, we run and go through the mirror with the tiniest fear that it might break... but it doesn't break! we pass as though it really is an open doorway. and we roar with laughter and smile so hard. we run room to room weaving through the mirrors, united, in perfect love, friendship, community, trust, excitement.

then another secret is revealed "hold hands and....JUMP" and with the tiniest flick of a heal we jump and we FLY! only the tiniest bit of kinetic energy is needed for an INFINITE amount of potential energy. with one little flicker of our feet we jump high, high, high and float and laugh and hold hands and we form a human link in the air, we wave our bodies, we swing our hands in the air. it's so much fun. it was maybe 12 people but the face was every face i've ever known. it was a party and it was family and it was strangers and it was home. it was heaven. it was the sincerest most excited happiness i could've dreamt.

...with the tiniest amount of faith, holding hands together, we can run through mirrors and jump so high that we are all of a sudden in the sky. and we are such perfect, beautiful creatures aren't we! we are!

i dreamt it and i think i was there for bit.

for yer'health

2009-01-02T21:50:00.002-05:00

going on 4 days of being sick now. some mutant stomach virus. quarantined at home today... taking lots of group naps with the cat and dog, reading (Jungian psychoanalysis, about 5 pages deep...), and of course the tube. i'm kind of impressed with the human body in a sick state. all the noises and feelings and pains and temperatures and many more gross details. i feel like a malfunctioned machine surviving on gatorade and the need to LOL. i'm thankful nonetheless to have my very own (typically) healthy human body. keep those spirits high, olga! and light a match!

it's a happy new year!

2009-01-01T18:36:00.002-05:00

2009, here you are. it's going to be even better than the rest. i'm so excited to be alive, to be me, to be free, to be here, to know what i know, to learn what i will learn, to create what i will create, and experiences experiences experiences! i feel i have lived dozens of lives, and this is yet another. oh, it was good to be alive one year in 1945.

...and a little Zizek to feed your mind and make your belly laugh.

blowin' in the wind

2008-12-29T18:41:00.003-05:00

i was walking to work yesterday and saw a girl doubled over on the sidewalk. i thought she was either barfing or crying. as i got closer, i saw she had a camera. and then she asked if she could take a photo of me for the newspaper, in regards to it being windy and all.

so today i was on the front page of the local section, and she was neither crying nor barfing.

i was a teeny bit nervous that the photo would look awful since wind and skirts don't mix, but hey, it's not so bad!

Going to a themed party tonight (my favorite kind of party, in fact)

What's the story, Edward Gorey?

christmas is ovarrrrrr!

2008-12-27T15:50:00.010-05:00

some of my favorite shots from last nights gift exchange with the little siblings:

a toy magnifying glass for a curious little creature named James.

a poltergeist-ish moment with the t.v.

and even better, today is Pushkin's first birthday!

my favorite non-human bit of creation, right there, little Pushkin. woman's best friend. trusty guard, faithful companion, always happy to see me, has only ruined one computer chord, has peed on every pair of boots, graduated puppy kindergarten knowing exactly 3 tricks, has a slight problem with humping, but otherwise cute as a button and a blessing in my life!

it's 57 degrees WARM outside... i can't wait to walk around tonight. pretty pumped about seeing this movie, too.

It's going to be a fun week of movies, and friends, and new years, and music, and oh wow everything else! i experienced a movie moment on Christmas eve, and I've got hopes for a movie moment sometime in the coming week... I've also got hopes for a nice spooning/nap session with my pets. meow.

2008 goals, met and unmet. my recovery year.

2008-12-26T03:45:00.004-05:00

" If only I can preserve, not to falter in spirit,

and preserve the strength and purity of my heart. "

merrrrry christmas pets!

2008-12-25T03:02:00.005-05:00

Pushkin Clause

St. Freddy Mercury

one of many photos where either the pets are blurry, one is missing, or totally out of the shot looking for treats.

and here is the final one i used for christmas cards and such. look at that pet love connection!

merry christmas dear friends and/or readers.

photo credits: vanessa. thanks!

yakkity yak, don't talk back

2008-12-22T16:48:00.004-05:00

there is just one thing i hate more than apples: INJUSTICE.

i went to the DMV today to contest a ticket that was returned to me on a fluke. i ended up in front of a judge who said "ignorance is as bad as breaking the law" because i misunderstood a commonly misunderstood paper (his words), i was sent to him by

the supervisor who agreed i didn't need to pay a fine... ok, here's the back story: i had a headlight bust this summer, i was pulled over and the officer says "no worries, no fine, just get it fixed and send this ticket to us in 24 hours". i did all of the above. turns out the ticket was ignored and sent back to me saying all my lights were out and i need to go to court... yadda yadda yadda, i get more papers in the mail saying "you owe $60, you owe $85... your license is suspended". i go to the DMV today and say "i got the light fixed, whats up?". here's whats up: i get humiliated in front of a judge and other traffic violaters

, i start crying, i keep crying, the lady at the desk calls Albany and describes me as a "poor little girl" (felt pretty good to hear at that point, honestly)... but because i didn't come sooner, i have to pay $115. for WHAT? for not pointing out their mistake soon enough... so i have to return, and explain it to another judge sometime in February. not worth it, i think. i'll end up coughing up the money. despite my clean driving record, despite sending the ticket it on time, i am still guilty?

i walked out of the DMV with puffy eyes and a face as red as my hat. i bought a full pack of cigarettes, a diet coke, and yelled "FUCK YOU DMV. SUCK MY -something i don't have- " in the parking garage.

i felt so bad for the folks in there. most of them looked like they couldn't really afford to pay the outrageous fee's $115, $215. Some poor lady had to transfer funds at the last minute, and I saw she had a waitress uniform on. I'm sure there were people present that were truely guilty of dangerous driving, but everyone was treated the same: it's your fault; the more you talk, the more you pay up, sucker!

and now i must move on to better feelings. i'm going to the Old Toad for Dryden happy hour... gonna sip some hot mead and chat with friends i really enjoy... and knowing me, i'll tell this story to about 5 people, each time making it more and more dramatic... telling them i started a fire in the dmv and a giant middle finger was evoked (see above).

snow day

2008-12-19T16:10:00.009-05:00

it's incredible how quick misery crosses over into beauty, and vice versa...

"it's amazing just to know you're alive".

even this snow storm: miserable, beautiful. even me, even you: miserable, beautiful,

miserable, and beautiful again, and then miserable again.

i have my first snow day since school days. i came home and put records on.

i finally put the imported russian sugar cubes in the little jar i washed weeks ago

(they are just like american sugar cubes...just russian...maybe less sweet?)

i'm listening to the Nana Grizol record, LOVE IT LOVE IT, for the second time. i saw them when elephant six came through,

i'd say nana grizol is my favorite new band of 2008. i believe everything they sing. and it sounds really good when i play it

really loud. it helps me forgive myself and assures that my secret hopes are good ones. i want you all to hear it, maybe

you'll come over one by one and we'll listen and drink tea with some of those russian sugar cubes i mentioned. sounds nice.

i put up my first window message just now. i'm cooking chickens legs in the oven.

i'm afraid this blog is sounding sad, just like when the person on the other line says

"you sound sad" but "i'm not really that sad, i just feel like kissing for 2 days straight".

"at least right now it's OK to take life in smaller doses"

i'm writing a new song and i feel pretty good about that.

#1. be brave

the brooklyn gals

2008-12-17T17:22:00.006-05:00

Tiff and Heidi are coming up for the holidays! We lived and loved in Brooklyn together... some of the best memories of my life were in that little brownstone apartment.

Oh! A reunion will be just GRAND, we visit each other separately, but haven't been together together for over a year. After Brooklyn Heidi moved home to Minnesota then to Philly, Tiff moved to Rochester then to Portland, and I did the whole Rochester-to California- to Uganda- to Rochester again thing. We've all arrived at this point, and I don't just mean our locations... Oh man, the kindred three together again!

Here's a photo in our BK apartment, celebrating with Absinthe I brought back from Paris.
Ooh La La!

And an old video I just found... ordering from our favorite deli, Sunset Bagel (key words: Sunset Special, and Flagel)... it appears to be the morning after one of our parties (pardon me, I'm looking a little rough, yikes), and one of the many times when we spoke in accents for weeks on end (Heidi, why didn't you order in an accent?)

Christmas 2009 just got better.

"and i am waiting for you"

2008-12-16T02:38:00.001-05:00

A to B: "I noticed your eyes are kinda green"

B to A: " I noticed you're noticing my eyes"

I think I might put messages in my window to encourage people; to inspire them. Messages of Love and Grace and Poetry and "someone out there loves you". Why should all wonderful things only be said between two people, or between people that know each other? I want to tell strangers that they should'nt give up on dreams, and that they should say "I miss you " to the person they miss with all their heart.

One time I wrote messages on the sidewalk for a someone I loved. I wrote "to me, you are a dream" and "love me till my heart stops" and something else. It's hard, but I like to be brave. I think being brave is something I could never, ever regret.

That'll be my first window message: Be Brave

It's 2:38 a.m.

entertain the shop girl

2008-12-11T19:21:00.006-05:00

I've been working at the shop all day ...it's Christmas time... it's retail... it's been a long, long day.

One of the students, Stefan, brought my a Bust magazine. His girlfriend works as an editor for them in NYC (uber wow). Bust is a modern feminist/fashion/craft/lady mag, and I need a subcription... not only for the "one handed read" in the back pages (ahem).

Anyway, I happened to read about Lily McElroy, it brought quite a bit of personal entertainment to this shop girl. I thought I'd share the link for your enjoyment, too.

Lily is a performance artist, as well as photographer, as well as comedian. Her videos are all funny, but her photo series "I throw Myself At Men" (figure A) is my favorite. She goes around and takes photos of herself, jumping into the arms of male strangers... what commentary, what silliness, what a great idea!

Check it out: http://www.lillymcelroy.com/

Figure A. Here's Lily in action. Wa-Bam!

Also in the issue, is comedian John Roberts. Emily told me about him at Knitting Brigade the other night. Jackie and Debra (figure A), as well as Mothers Day take me off on a ROFLCOPTER... but not at work, obvi...gotta stay grounded.

Figure B

bunch of mopes

2008-12-09T18:12:00.005-05:00

I'm feeling pretty mopey today. I've been walking around like Charlie Brown (see figure A)- head down, dragging my boots, shoulders slooped, I even caught myself making a puppy dog sad face (see figure B). I managed to burn the outsides of the scones, but left them raw inside. And my boots soaked right through because I was dragging them in the snow. Now my socks are all wet. Mopey. Mopey. Mopey. Most Likely has to do with this and this.

(Figure A)

(Figure B)

Braids

2008-12-09T02:10:00.006-05:00

A hair tribute to Yulia Tymoshenko, the Prime Minister of my motherland!

( a little side by side, shall we?)

Key leader in the Orange Revolution. whattawoman. What. A. Woman.

drink sang-gray-ah in the park

2008-12-05T23:39:00.005-05:00

When the time is right, we'll act out Perfect Day.

Film Record for November

2008-12-04T17:50:00.006-05:00

Quote of the Day, from a boyscout at the museum shop: (pointing at photography book, and yelling) I really found a naked lady!

Phone Call of the Day: Hi, Olga? This is The Church of Scientology...

Purchase of the Day: from Thread, my favorite candle scent, purchased as a room spray, to be used as body spray. Santiago Huckleberry, from Voluspa. it's heavenly.

Outting of the Day: Pat's Coffee Mug, then Openface, then Thread, then Goodwill with Miss Karrah.

Random Info of the Day: There's an I Love Lucy museum, one hour south of Buffalo.

Anticipation of the Day: Jon Moses, Oxford Collapse, and Spinto Band play Bug Jar tonight.

(movie journal)

I started a movie journal earlier this year, in which I chronicle and breifly discuss every film I see that month. 2008 (easily into 2009) is The Year of the Film... at least in my calendar... Anyway, in November I saw 22 films. Most of them were at the Dryden, unless otherwise noted... there are many details left out here (ie, director, year, genre); left for my personal journal . And so, in very particular order, here's all the movies (+/- 1) I saw in November of 2008.

1. Tugboats to Polar Bears: Short Films of Matt McCormick

2. The Photographer, His Wife, and Her Lover

3. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

4. An Evening w/ Don Hertzfelt featuring: I Am So Proud of You

5. Pinocchio

6. The Exiles (but I walked out half way)

7. Flow: The Love of Waters

8. Dumbo

9. Diary Of A Lost Girl (silent cinema, in accordance w/ my class)

10. Synechdoche (@ The Little)

11. Rachel Getting Married (@ The Little)

12. Bambi

(rentals)

13. The Decameron (top pick. A Pasolini film!)

14. Cinemania (top pick. documentary about cinephiles)

15. Best of Colbert Report (I know, I know it's a show)

(misc)

16. Tropic Thunder

17. Shadows of Our Forgotten Ancestors (top pick)

18. Heathers

19. The Immigrant (top pick, Chaplin)

20. The Bell Boy (w/ Arbuckle and Keaton)

21. Steam Boat Bill Jr (top pick. Keaton)

I really fell in love w/ Chaplin and Keaton this month, as well as animated films (Disney, Hertzfeld). I meant to watch an Orson Wells film but I couldn't get through it... Decameron took about 2 tries, but was well worth it. Can't wait to watch Salo. Or maybe I can.

My December list has already started.

There are about 52 girl and boy scouts in the shop right now... Rob said he learned to tune out the sound of mass children and babies crying when he was the giraffe at Toys R' Us. I'm working on it.

Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes

2008-12-03T16:05:00.006-05:00

What a Day. What a Night.

I love to walk because I never know who I'll run in to, where I'll go, how long I'll go for...

Strangers, friends, old friends, new friends, people I see all the time but we never speak... An adventure.

This morning we (puppy and I) left the house just shy of

noon and spent the entire afternoon out and about until 4 pm. I picked up a hot tea @ the Classy Cookie Deli, and made my way down Park Ave. Picked up a paper and sat in the little park bench area near Barrington Street. They decorated a pine tree with all sorts of Christmas glam. That's nice, isn't it? Public decorations for the enjoyment of everyone, anyone. Mellissa called and I met her @ Piatza's, where she ate a giant slice for two. We sat on the sidewalk, talked, laughed, reviewed the holidays. We parted, and I walked on, to Utter Clutter. The nice man @ Hogans wasn't there today; we chat everyday while he pets the dog.

Mellissa and baby Jack (in belly)

At Utter Clutter, I picked up a vintage black slip with beautiful lace straps. The kind you wear around the house when you drink martini's and listen to old love songs. I picked up a sweetheart locket, and a pair of clip on glass earring from the 1920's. I've never seen earrings like these...

I picked up a few good records, too!

1. Aretha Franklin, Two Sides of Love (listening to it now) *soul, mo-town*

2.Marvin Gaye, Midnight Love * sexy time r&b*

3.Jan & Dean, Surf City *vintage surf rock*

4. The Best of Little Anthony and The Imperials *doowop, mo-town*

5. The Singing Nun ( I collect these and give them away) *a nun singing in French...pop music?*

6.Joni James, Je T'aime * old french pop*

Sara (owner of said store) and I shared a cigarette and chatted. She's one of my favorite people in Rochester, top 5 in fact. She was one of the first people I met when I moved back this February, and her store has helped me decorate my little boudoir. I made friends with a nice boy in the store, too. He was there the night Elephant Six played @ Bug Jar, and he too met Jeff Mangum. We gushed, and further found out we have mutual friends and similar interests. Complete strangers, now friends. His goal in life is "to be a mountain man"! I wonder what my goal is...

You read that last Wednesday I had a strong urge to see live classical music, right? Well last night Nicholas and I saw Stephen Hough play @ Kilbourne Hall. There was a moment of utter perfection and I cried two tiny tears. A professor (in contradiction) once described music as "cosmically indescribable", I felt that last night. I also felt overdressed. People were in jeans and sweatshirts! I'd still rather wear nice shoes and a cocktail dress. Nicholas told me about a script he's been working on, and I dreamt part of it last night. I wonder if we dream things people tell us, even before they tell us.

Yikes it's getting late, I have to walk to work now.

PS: check out this awesome picture Michael Neault did of m e (by hand!) for the Croquet site!

WINK ( I was totally winking before Sarah Palin, btw)

Good Gravy

2008-11-28T17:43:00.005-05:00

Thanksgiving 2008.

Rough start, but a great one. Round one was at Dads place in Hilto

n. The menu was Ukrainian with Turkey... first time I've had smoked fish instead of st

uffing. And my step mom made THEE MOST DELICIOUS TORTE! It translates as "Drunk Cherry", and oh shoot,

I just remembered it's still in the car. James and Jessica were energetic little entertainers. Pushkin wore a tuxedo. Dad and I talked electronics and music for a bit. He fixed my Grado Headphones, and I fixed his PC and Ipod.

Jessica told various stories in order to humiliate James. This is what she told me when he went for my cell phone to "call the police"...

James at the table, wearing his buffet pants.

Oh, you're so serious James.

Dad, an ambitious eater.

Jessica showing me the the Rat King villain on the Barbie Nutcracker

Jessica and the little beast in his tux

And the amazing torte made by my stepmom!

Round two was at Moms place in Webster. Tryptophan might be a myth, but I definitely hit the couch for about 20 minutes. The food was excellent, and mom had enough leftovers for a village. Nick S came by, too, and made skinny remarks like, "I'm filling up on these cucumber slices"... come on. Grandma kept staring at him to eat more blintzes. Grandma and I also spoke briefly about visiting Ukraine the summer of 2009... it would be a dream come true. My favorite aunt came, and I can't believe how much my little cousin is growing up...man.. am I really almost 25?? I didn't take as many photos here, but the majority of the day was spent "where life is worth living" (Webster). Lots of great conversation, and laughter, and "I can't possibly eat anymore"...yet we ate more.

An incriminating photo of my "I don't drink, and I've never been drunk" mother. Is that sparkling wine and a buzzed face? I think so!

The wonderful Dinner my mom made

The team. I asked everyone to hold up their knife and fork, no response.

And thats that! I worked "Black Friday" today at the cafe (nightmarishly busy), and now I'm off to work the box office. A documentary about the architecture of Antonio Gaudi is showing tonight, the only reason I recognize him is because of this wonderful flick from the summer... Lets hope it sells out.

Two Working Titles: Personal Remarks on Wednesday the 25th, er, 26th OR I must say, I felt nonchalantly poetic today

2008-11-26T21:20:00.010-05:00

1. All day I thought it was the 25th of November

2. I was walking the dog and sneezed 3 times. A man across the street heard me, and waited to say "God Bless You" after he crossed the street towards me. I was surprised and a little confused... then again, it might've been rude for him to just yell it across the block.

3. At work, I saw a man and his mail order bride. He bought two coffee's, and later I overheard her asking the definition of "rebate". She was fashionable in an 1980's kind of way, he was in his 50's I think.

4. I heard a lady's accent change from an American accent to an English accent... as

she was talking to an English woman. Did she think it wasn't obvious? Was she trying to impress her?

5. Two things struck me as beautiful today:

The word, soliliquy. I just want to see it written over and over again in nice cursive. I want to hear it said in my ear in a whispered, deep voice "soh--li-low-key". Don't you?

---

And then this photograph of Louise Brooks listening to records just took my breath away

(I feel that way too, Louise)

6. I sliced cheese for an hour at work, while listening to the classical station. And I thought to myself, " I could listen to classical music all day". I was overcome with a desire to see/hear live classical music as soon as possible. So, I think I'm going to see Stephen Hough @ Kilbourn Hall next Tuesday. I would love to hear Moonlight Sonata, but it's not in his program.

7. I'd like to start a supper club.

8. Several friends from NYC are back for Thanksgiving. I'm especially excited to see Alana and Phil. Phil is the biggest rolling stones fan I know.

9. Excited to see this movie

10. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I used to watch the big parade on the roof of my apartment building in Herald Square. Tonight we would've gone uptown to see all the balloons being inflated and lined up, and we would've stayed up late hearing the bands and marchers rehearse. I miss New York City, but I'm so happy here. I have so much to be grateful for. This has been my recovery year... and it's only going to get better.

Rut lifted.

2008-11-25T22:30:00.005-05:00

Rut Lifted:

Now back to thinking about the things I prefer to think about, like: who's funnier, Buster Keaton or Charlie Chaplin? and, how many delicious combinations of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and cranberry sauce

can I create on Thursday?

Last night was a most lovely night. Had dinner @ Vanessa and Alberts place (with home made fettucini, and home made everything else... Vanessa is a woman among women, cook among cooks). Then we watched one of the most far reaching, aesthetically pleasing films I've ever seen: Shadows of our Forgotten Ancestors ,

completing our Ukrainian Heritage Night ( a two parter, starting last week).

Tonight Erin and I saw Diary of a Lost Girl, with Louis Brooks. A pretty abstract experience: silent film, accompanied by live piano, with German onscreen intertitles that were su

btitled in English! This time last year I was in California, and I had a Louis Brooks haircut. I was pretty impressed with it, hence the dramatic photo... unfortunately it never looked that good again.

Funny thing happened tonight-- I was walking to class, listening to a special song, thinking of someone, and I actually walked in to that someone. How often does THAT happen? Cosmic.

Speaking of cosmic, I'm going to go dancing. Rut lifted, clarity achieved... I'm gonna do the twist to some old motown records.

my body is a cage that keeps me from dancing with the one i love, but my mind holds the key

2008-11-21T21:52:00.004-05:00

(looks about right for tonight)

i was talking to nick s. about what gets him out of a rut. he has 3 movies-- annie hall, lost in translation, and sans soleil. he can watch them at any point and feel instantly better. he said he's watched annie hall every night for 2 weeks now. i got jealous. i couldn't think of anything that gets me out of a rut right away. except for listening to Fuck the Pain Away by Peaches

i had to listen to it this afternoon and shake it a little between shifts at work. i have to listen to it right now. i will listen to it again in the car in a few minutes.

i'm in a rut.

peaches, get me out of this rut!

hungry eyes, hungry arms

2008-11-19T21:47:00.005-05:00

Well, I FINALLY got in to see a Dentist at the free clinic. Got a filling done in 45 minutes and left with a feeling of gratefulness and blessing. I overheard and saw a woman who just "got her smile back". She was smiling so, so big. I smiled back big, too. If you haven't experienced charity, I highly recommend it. Waiting for the novocaine to kick in, I had a few moments to stare at the ceiling and think about the best nights of my life. One was night swimming with the first boy I ever really loved. Another night was meeting Jeff Mangum. Another night is hopefully going to happen before the end of the year...

Later, the pup and I put on our winter hats and went for a long, long winterlude walk. The park I sat in just LAST Tuesday has shed all it's bright yellow leaves, and is now covered with snow. I noticed I still have summer shoes out, and a beach mat in my car trunk. It happened so fast, and now it's going to go so slow.

Dad and my little brother, (sweet baby) James, came by later in the afternoon. We laughed a lot. Dad and I have a similar sense of humor so we naturally team up and pick on the little guy ("I can't get him out of the car seat, lets just leave him in the car"). The interaction between small animals and small humans is not only cute, but really funny. Pushkin kept standing on his hind legs and kissing James right on the face, they would lock arms and kind of slow dance, then James would make a gross face and push the dog away. All the while talking in a baby/Ukrainian/English language. A video and some of my favorite photos:

Hilarious.

Now off to play some old records at The Bug Jar... I'm thinking we'll slow dance tonight.

My Kinda Tramp

2008-11-19T01:45:00.005-05:00

It's rare that I watch something and find it to be perfect. Not just the qualities, but the entire package: the cinematography, the story, the actors, the music, the feeling it gives me, the mosaic of thoughts! I felt this sense of perfection and excitement tonight in my Silent Cinema class during one specific film. The topic of discussion was comedy; we covered Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, and Roscoe "fatty" Arbuckle...

So, for 25 minutes of Chaplin's, The Immigrant, I held a feeling of "this is perfect, this is one of my favorites, i want to feel that.... i want to see that... i want to be that way..." I might've fallen in love with him for those 25 minutes.

Decades after decades it's still hilarious. It seemed I was one of the only people in class laughing out loud, maybe because I'm new to taking film classes, maybe because Chaplin is still so new to me period. I left class to chat briefly with some Dryden friends, saying "Don't you wish we could go see a Keaton or Chaplin film for the first time in a movie theater?" Imagine going the movies in 1920!

That'd be something. Chaplin releasing movie after movie, not as an icon but as a comedian and director still making a name for himself. Maybe the audience felt the way I felt when I first saw The Kid at Dryden last month. Oh, I wish I could see City Lights in a big movie theater with piano and violin and drums as accompaniment just like back in the day...

Perhaps subconsciously, perhaps intentionally I started placing my hands on my face the way Charlie always did in his movies. When he's thinking, or when he's surprised-- you know, how he lines up his fingers at the bottom of his cheeks. Oh, I just lo

ved how he did that!

When I was in 5th grade my friend Galina and I entered the school talent show. We did a silent sketch where I was a Charlie Chaplin type character and she was the lady I was trying to woo--- all the while making a fool of myself, falling over, dropping the flower I wanted to give her, clicking my heals when she finally took my hand. It was pretty creative for a 5th grader.

I guess I've always loved Charlie.

love is a dress you wear long to hide your knees

2008-11-15T01:54:00.003-05:00

Today I:

1. baked 100 cookies (not a single one burned)

2. went on a walk w/ Pushkin ( neither of us had to wear a sweater)

3. went to Buffalo, on a whim, to see Iron and Wine with a bunch of folks

3a. tried something new

3b. felt pretty swell

3c. had my first limo ride...?

Catch A Wave

2008-11-12T15:34:00.001-05:00

Despite the Autumn chill, Pushkin and I slow danced to Surfer Girl by The Beach Boys to start the day off right today. Freddy was less tolerant when I scooped him up for Surfing Safari. He seems to enjoy the classical station best of all, as soon as it comes on he lays on top of the record player and conks out. Last week we tried dancing to the 2001: A Space Odyssey soundtrack but Pushkin started barking out the window when Thus Spake Zarathustra came on, and Freddy kept starring at the giant black monolith in the kitchen. No fun.

Went to Mellissa's place with Sam today to babysit Penelope. I finally finished her hat! A crochet, pink hat with beige flowers and green stems.

Kind of blurry...Penny runs with the speed of light.

And now I MUST do what I said I'd do before work tonight:

1. Walk Pushkin

2. Clean my room (giant pile of clothes on chair is starting to look extra terrestrial)

3. Create playlist for tonight's set

4. Work on the Bruce Springsteen mix I promised Michael. A musical metamorphosis!

And now, an evening walk.

238 Prayer

2008-11-11T12:52:00.000-05:00

I wrote this prayer last week, on one of the last sunny days of the year. Sitting on a park bench, surrounded by yellow leaves, with my dog at my feet, a familiar number showed up when I checked the time: 2:38 p.m. I see this number daily , it seeks me out, it surprises me, it's a "hello", a reminder. From now on, I will say this prayer everytime 238 shows up.

Lord, I thank you in this moment:

For the opportunity to rest
For the opportunity to work

For the company of others
For solitude

For friendship with men and women
For friendship with animals, and all of your creation

For walks, bike rides, and long drives

For feelings
For thoughts

For today
For what happened yesterday
For what may happen tomorrow

For Your love, my love, and the love of others.

I thank you. Amen.

(first post, Hello Readers)